Joys (or Not) of Pregnancy...

It really is amazing how much this child already has a mind of his own. He's very much like me where he is certainly not a follower, but does things when he wants to. This baby goes through phases of movement. Sometimes he kicks occasionally, frequently enough, to let me know that he's still there and all is well. Then he goes thru spurts where he likes to hide out and not move at all. These spurts last usually a hour or two at the most, but when you're used to feeling him move often, it can be unnerving. Of course it's these moments that make me realize that this is definitely my child. It's at these moments where I have already begun pushing my child around. I'll poke at my belly and try to move him around a bit just so I can feel him move. Hey, let's be honest, it won't be the first child I've awoken from a deep sleep because I wanted to play! (Sorry Casey!)

For example, he's started to get into the habit of kicking in the morning before I get out of bed. This is why I tend to stay in bed to wait for his morning ritual so I can feel him move. This morning he wasn't all that active. I poked around a bit, nothing. I rolled over to my left side (which he always tends to move right after I roll over), nothing. I poke around some more, nothing. I get out my listening device and it's quiet as a mouse. I'm trying not to worry, so I start talking to him asking him to move around for me. I now start poking all over, still nothing. Then all of a sudden came 3 big wallops as if he was saying "hey listen there lady, I'm sleeping here, would you leave me alone!". With that, I let him be and got up and got ready for work. So when he reads this in years to come - I'm sorry, Alexander that I kept poking you in the head!

Then there are the moments like RIGHT NOW where he is playing an entire soccer match, without a break and playing for both teams! He has not stopped moving in a good 45 minutes! While I'm quite happy to have him move around so that way I know all is well, I look pretty silly at my desk jumping everytime he kicks or moves pretty severe. And this time he has decided to play the ENTIRE field. Usually he tends to stick to the low levels of the field, but not this time - he is at the goal line, mid line and at the opposing team's goal line. Bring on the kicks & movements anytime - but boy do I look like a crazy person!

Ahh the joys of pregnancy... and honestly this is a huge joy!

However another joy of pregnancy that is not a joy: Pregnancy Meltdowns.

I had my first pregnancy meltdown last night, it wasn't a huge meltdown on the outside, but on the inside I was screaming... it began when Dan & I started to talk about daycare, how expensive it is, etc, and what will we do for the Flexible Spending Account through work which helps with daycare & health costs. I kept thinking why I'm going to pay someone else to look after my child when I want to be the one to do it. I'm already having severe separation anxiety and this poor child hasn't been born yet. So, side note, if I freak out on you when you go to hold him, please don't take it personally! I have already had nightmares where people are holding him and won't give him back even though I ask nicely. That may sound crazy or that I'm kidding, but I'm not joking. If I don't necessarily give him up for everyone to hold, please don't take offense.

I truly believe that this stems from the fact that I've waited since I was 7 years old to be a Mom. I've wanted this more than anything in my entire life and the fact that it's almost here is surreal to me. I think if this whole process was easier for me/us in regards to getting pregnant, I may not be as protective or territorial. But the fact that this did take longer than I thought and there were alot of doctor visits, medications, blood tests, ultrasounds, and wondering if this would actually happen may have just added to my fears of it not actually being carried out. So because of that I wonder if I've become more territorial than I would have been if I had gotten pregnant earlier or if this was easy.

I digress - so Dan & I were talking about daycare & finances and I kept trying to hint that I'd like to stay home but we kept trying to do the finances and it just wouldn't work. I know it's not realistic at all to stay home, but what I wouldn't give to do it. For those mothers who do - I think of you as truly blessed. It just is devasting to me right now that we're going to give a large amount of money to someone else when I want to do it. I'm sure it's something that I'll continue to struggle with but I know it's something that we'll figure out and get through - eventually. Even if the kid is in the 5th grade, and I finally come to terms with him going to school. :)

It sucks, and it stinks. And Larry Bird's not walking through that door. (Sorry inside joke between Dan & I)